June 24, 2007

Power struggle: Frame vs. Attraction

I get a phone call from a woman I’ve known for six months. I find her very attractive based on looks, creativity, and poise. Will I come meet her before she moves to another state? Sure… I’ll be there in 30 minutes after I finish my beer and wings. I am thinking “game on.” I turned her down last week, she really wants me now.

Over drinks with her and a female friend, she explains that she is moving to another state to be with the man she loves. What? When did this happen? She never mentioned a boyfriend! Arghhh… I look like a lap dog. Shame on me… I know better.

You have read this bumper sticker: “No matter how hot she is… somewhere, some guy is sick of her shit.”

That funny phrase rings true to many of us. But isn’t that an awful negative view of women? Negative… maybe. Realistic… definitely.

One of the problems men face while trying to maintain a dominant frame with women happens during the early stages of the encounter and the relationship. It goes something like this:

Boy sees hot girl.
All boy sees is hot girl.

Now his dominant male frame is all messed up. Her hotness is anchored in some power factor she has over him. Pretty face, nice body, personality, character, social network, wealth, fame, job status… whatever it is that flips his switch with this woman. His head is in the clouds, he must have THIS woman.

He gives up the power of his frame as displayed in the following actions:

Showing too much interest while she is present
Only focusing his efforts on her
Buying her drinks
Thinking about her too much
Taking her on “dates”
Answering the phone when she calls
Being available when she wants him
Tolerating her poor behavior

Women call this ‘romance.” I call it Chodeness. Chumpnicity. Suckerism.

If by some magic pill, we could see her foibles, insecurities, and bad habits instead of how she rates on a scale of 1 to 10; we would act much more indifferent. Indifference lends itself to a strong frame with women.

When the attraction is one-sided, it is NOT going to work out. Period. You have to know that she is vested in this encounter or relationship equally or more than you. Whoever can walk away more readily has the power.

Do you have the power of frame?


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