Everybody needs a mentor...

Whether it's throwing a baseball, swinging a golf club, or making a sales presentation... we all  learned it from somebody.  The problem is that your Average Frustrated Guy never had a father, big brother, or buddy (who was good with women) teach him what to say and how to act around women.

If you are not good with women, you WILL have to learn "how-to-do-it" from someone.

I've hung out with lots of guys.  I've seen the guys who score with women.   I've seen the guys that latch on to the first decent girlfriend they can find.  The guys that hang out with me have seen the good, the hot, and the ugly.  It's transparency among friends.

Here is the problem with gurus: you buy the marketing.  You have no actual idea of their ability to consistently get hot women or maintain mutually beneficial relationships with women.  You spend so little time with them, it's just not a mentoring relationship.


I had a buddy help me with women... we spent COUNTLESS hours of trial and error in social venues.  Trying, succeeding, and also failing.  He would give me honest feedback, sometimes brutal and he was also there to high-five me.


Every man, who ever became good at something, had a mentor.


Where will you find a mentor?  Are dvds and books the substitute for spending serious time with socially successful guys?  Will you try to learn it from routines?  Will you learn it all in a weekend bootcamp?

Will you find someone who lives in your city who is good with women?  Will you make the effort to be a good and reliable wingman?  Are you willing to bring something to the table in exchange for the help from others?

RHM

Bad advice from a pretty source...

 





















I never took this too seriously in my younger years, because I thought women were a good source of advice about women.  I can't stress this enough:  men need advice from MEN about dating and relationships.  Most western women (U.S. and western Europe) and male "experts" will give you advice from a post 1960's, feminist perspective.

Yes, that little movement really messed things up for American culture... ahh but that is another story for a another day.

Here's the problem, most women have not picked-up, dated, or been in a relationship with a woman. Most women hang on to the hope for a fairytale romance; and we all know those do not exist.  All women know a girl who knew a girl who was swept off her feet by a personal prince charming.  But if you could take a inside look the actual relationship between Prince Charming and Princess Entitled you would see challenges, jealousies, and conflict minor or major.  Most people put on a good face because they don't want the world to see their dirty laundry.


Your first thought may be, "Hey , tell me something I don't know. I already have this locked down."


Check it out though.... some guys rely on a woman's perspective at three junctions:

• upon meeting the really hot woman
  
• after they enter a relationship
• when he has isolated himself from his male friends
  

When she is really hot...

he thinks that this ONE is the exception to the rule.  She dictates to him the agenda for getting in her pants.  "You need to get to know me before we jump in bed."  "I like to be treated like a lady, take me to dinner."  "I am very cautious about getting intimate."  "I don't have sex on the first date."


After they enter a relationship...

she tells him how she wants to be treated based on her whims and emotions.  "I want to hang out with your buddies and you."  "You spend too much time with your friends." "You spend too much time with your family/kids."   "I need at least once date night a week."  "I can't cook for you all the time."  "I'm too tired to have sex every day."  "I know you watch your dietary habits, but I can't eat that way."  "Are you planning something special for the holiday?"



When he has isolated himself from his male friends...

now he has no sounding board, no one who will dare tell him the bitter truth. "I could move in with you."  "Let's plan our future."    "We should invest in my career."  "I really want a baby."  "We should take a big trip together."  "We should get a house of our own."


Now she has full influence over him barring an intervention by his concerned friends or family members.  Why do people always say, "well, I saw that coming..."  Why don't they have the guts to be candid when they see their friend headed for an emotional or financial cliff?


A few bits of good advice to keep your friend from careening off the cliff... (don't be surprised when she jumps out once you've hit bottom)

• Your family and friends were there BEFORE her
• Your family and friends will be there AFTER her
• Plan and pursue your dreams
• She must be a help to your personal, professional, and financial goals not a hindrance
• Work your plan and don't be sidetracked by her whims and desires
• Your money is yours, never hers
• Your time is yours, never hers

Tell them I said so...


RHM

When scarcity is a good thing

The law of supply and demand point out that scarcity can raise demand. Gold, oil, diamonds... If you make your self completely available to a woman, she can have you anytime SHE wants. How many times has a woman not been available when you had a free evening?

Make yourself scarce to the girl. They call it playing hard to get. Too many guys jump at the chance to go on a date with a woman; and usually it is on the woman's terms.

The problem with dates…

How many dating websites give you a list of creative dates, top ten date ideas, best dating ideas… as if a "date" was the magical key to any relationship.

You’ll have a hard time wrapping your brain around this one if you haven’t been in a marriage or multi year co-habitation relationship. See if you can trust me on this one.

Taking a woman on a date is the opposite of scarcity. Dates set the tone that “I must win that person over.” Notice that I said “person” instead of girl. I have no problem being treated to a nice dinner or movie; neither do most women.

Winning the client – take them to lunch or dinner

Winning the stranger – buy them a drink

Winning the friend – bring them a gift

Winning the girl – ______________

How did you fill in the blank?

It sets the tone for the relationship: always trying to win her over.

Win her again and again with … better clothes, newer car, nicer house

When do you finally win this game? Never. Many guys just try to get out, after realizing that she will never be content. Why do you think that financial problems are stated as a top reason for divorce?

Never get into that game of winning her over.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to enjoy the companionship and all the wonderful things about a woman… her perspective, her soft skin, her feminine mystique, her respect, kissing, etc. BUT

My idea of a date, I cook for you or you cook for me. If she’s happy with that and treats me well, then we can consider going places.

Make yourself scarce.

RHM

The simple key to abundance...

If you talk to enough women, you will find the ones attracted to you.

For you see, the ones attracted to you want to spend time with you. They make it easy. Many guys experience frustration because the object of their attention won’t reciprocate.

She doesn’t return may calls
She doesn’t return my texts in a timely manner
She is always too busy to get together


What if you didn’t worry about any one particular woman?

There is only one way to make this happen without wasting your time on the phone pursuing every attractive woman with your preoccupation for the next great conversational scheme to spark her passive interest.


The powerful phrase: Next, please.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. It’s a famous line to console the lovelorn, but a fact indeed for those that don’t want to be consumed with thoughts of the one that got away.


Okay, you may concede my point, but you still feel that talking to a lot of women is difficult.

There are only two hurdles to abundance:

1) where to find women
2) what to say to women


Get ready to leap over hurdle #1.

Women are everywhere. Bars, clubs, lounges, college bars, college campuses, grocery stores, shopping malls, business mixers, social happy hours, networking events, and the list goes on. They are even at work. But, for the sake of your gainful employment… don’t hit on those women, just practice talking to them. Here's the secret... ready? Get off your ass and out the door.

Okay, throw that leg forward over hurdle #2.

Pickup lines are corny, creepy, or needy and usually some combination of the three. Normal conversation is socially acceptable and effective. You heard me right. Social dialogue is what people have after they get through the corny, creepy, or needy pickup game. I am here to let you know that you can take 5 minutes to travel the tunnel through the mountain instead of winding around the dangerous, steep pass for 30 minutes.


Women have no trouble “processing attraction,” they do it all the time. All you need to do is to have an acceptable exchange. She already decided in the first 30 seconds of meeting you, if you were sponge-worthy. If she’s not into you, you can politely end the interaction with your social value and dignity in tact. If she’s into you, she will let you know with her enthusiasm and her body language.


If you don’t know how to have normal conversation, get some help.


Do you know any friends that are good at social dialogue? I think you should spend more time with them.

Do you have any friends that make people feel weird and uncomfortable? Do they do outlandish things with their clothing and behavior to garner attention? I think you should spend less time with them.

You might need to seek out seek out some expertise.


Talk to enough women and you will find the ones attracted to you.


RHM

Please and thank you…

Do you remember when Barney the Purple Dinosaur told you (or your kids) that those were the magic words?

Well, ole Barney was right in teaching those manners to 5 years olds. However, those phrases are part of social transactions between people in our society. These words are simple building blocks of social calibration.

Your whole outlook on life and influence on people can change by the words you choose to use. Language is a strong tool; the pen is mightier than the sword. A giant ship is turned by a small rudder. The words you speak or omit to say, have a powerful effect on people.

Several weeks ago, I was out with some friends and for a few minutes I stepped away from our table to make conversation with some acquaintances. Moments later, my waitress approached me and advised, “Your friend is an asshole.” Calmly, I asked what happened. Well she replied, “He demanded that I get him a beer, he didn’t ask me… he demanded.”

Now I didn’t ask nor care to know which friend was the offending party, but I logged the exchange with the waitress as a lesson. Her emotional state is irrelevant; it’s a common social grace. More importantly, women notice the presence or lack of these social graces more than men. Women talk, word spreads quickly.

I waited tables in graduate school to support my family and scholastic expenses. Once you’ve been on the business end of someone who thinks they are above the hired help, it puts things into perspective.

Please and thank you…

Beyond demonstrating class (read: high value) when you are in the care of hired help, it is a powerful tool in your relationships with people. It is something that practiced enough becomes part of a mature social nature. It is for use with subordinates, family members, friends, bosses, coworkers, parents, children, and neighbors.

When you are in the business of sales, first impressions are priceless. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. When you are about the business of winning friends, influencing people, and creating advocates and opportunities; first impressions set the course for the interaction. Ask yourself: how do I come across to people? Serious, goofy, funny, threatening, rude, shy, nervous, or bold… I prefer classy or in other words, high value.

Socially calibrated actions demonstrate that you are a high-value person.

RHM

I want something from you…

Once upon a time in America, when someone came home from work, the store, or from picking the kids up from school… they parked (the one car the family owned) in their driveway or carport. Got out of the car and said hello and had a brief conversation with their neighbors and then went inside. If the phone rang, they answered it, eager to speak with the caller.

People belonged to civic clubs, people attended small churches, block parties were very common, and everybody knew their neighbors. Everyone showed up for the PTA spaghetti dinner.

Every kid knew every kid in a 3 block radius.

Then something changed… people became less concerned about interacting and more concerned with getting. The multimedia advertising revolution and our obsession with obtaining and protecting more stuff changed the way we looked at life.

Now, we drive our car payment into our gated neighborhood, pull into the garage, close the automatic door, and cocoon ourselves away from everyone. We like to be wrapped in our silk…500 cable channels of distraction, HDTV, surround sound, the internet 24/7, and our video gaming systems. Few of us have time for civic groups that give back. To meet our spiritual needs, we go to mega-churches and remain anonymous.

We open the junk mail (90% of what we get) over the wastebasket. All calls go to voice mail unless we like the caller’s ID. (We’re glad we signed up for the ‘no-call’ list.) We get the pop-ups just trying to weed through our junk email or navigate to our favorite websites. We turn on the TV and get the same ads that we heard in the car on the radio. The non-stop barrage tells us what we’re missing. They demand that we buy. The ad screams: “I want you to take action.” So we can have more stuff.

Call now, operators are standing by!

Don’t delay, supplies are running out!

Act fast, the sale ends tomorrow!

This new ______ is the best; get yours now!

Everybody wants something from us. Our careers want our precious time. The monster of materialism wants our precious money. We’ve been conditioned to be guarded. We are suspect of strangers, especially the ones with candy.

So a guy walks into a bar, eager to meet some new people. But those new people have been conditioned that everyone wants something from them. The guy walking into the bar, he himself the stranger, is conditioned. He’s heard it since he was 5 years old when McGruff the Crime Dog came to his kindergarten class and lectured his classmates. Every kid, now an adult in the bar, is conditioned: don’t talk to strangers.

So, he’s in the bar/club/lounge trying to meet people…

Hey, can I get your opinion?

What time do you have?

You’re hot, I can’t believe you expect me not to come over and say ‘hello’.

Do you guys come here often?

What are you drinking?

Do you know where ______ is?

_______fill in this blank with _________ (translation: I want something from you.)

We want: a laugh at our jokes, a warm response to our opener, her not to pull away when we claw, a hug, a smile, a kiss, you not to reject me, a free drink, the acceptance of your group, your time, your attention, your sex.

How about going out with the idea of not wanting anything from people? Give them a break, they are out trying to drink, socialize, party and take a break from everybody who wants something from them. They have a demanding boyfriend, girlfrend, husband, wife, kids, boss, room mate, or parent.

They may be there to celebrate a birthday/divorce/nuptials and just cut loose for awhile.

Be the Social Santa Claus with a big bag of good vibes. (They will want to sit on your lap later)

How about your group having fun and talking about what’s going on in your lives? This is what normal adults do: Let me tell you about my boss. You won’t believe what my cousin did. Let me tell you about the woman I met last night. Guess where I’m going next week. I got a promotion. I’m looking for a new job. I got a new dog. I shot a 90 at the golf course last Wednesday. I broke 25 minutes at the 5k. I’ve been hitting the gym hard. I’ve got this crazy client, you won’t believe this story.

You might need to get a life to talk about it.

Now a stranger walks by your group in the bar…

Hey what’s up? How’s it going? What’s the occasion? Where are your friends?

I’m great. Good times. Cheers. Have fun. Take care. Be well. We’re going here and there. We’re having a party.

They won’t be eager to walk away, and you may meet a new friend or lover.

Where was I at the beginning? Oh yeah…

I want something from you… on second thought, no I don’t.

I have what you want.

RHM

It's simple... but will you do it?

Just a couple random thoughts I had while contemplating recent interactions with women:


- If you talk to enough women, you will find the ones attracted to you. Talk to every woman you find attractive.


- Work twice as much on yourself as you do on your game. You will get more out of reading the books yourself than listening to a guru summarize it.


- Read, travel, study, fine tune your hobbies... become a man of substance. Your self-esteem will soar.


- Study game and you get some results. Become a man who has skills, goals, cultivated talents and the ability to communicate your passions... and you will get unbelievable results.


RHM

Know when to hold 'em... know when to fold 'em

Friday afternoon: I plan to meet a pretty woman for drinks. We're supposed to have coffee but she calls to change it to a bar/restaurant. Umm, ok. But I tell her I am not hungry and am not going to eat.


I meet her there and she asks if I mind if she eats something. I tell her that I agreed to meet for coffee but I am not buying her food. "If you want to get some food and pay for it, feel free to eat in front of me."


She order fajitas. Hmmm. A light snack. She drones on and on about her vampire ex-boyfriend who still controls her with witchcraft and is trying to get to her to do porn pics. (I kid you not.) For those of you who understand the terminology, she looked "oppressed."


About 30 minutes in, I found myself trying to figure out any way to salvage value from this interaction. But the whole thing was wigging me out and and my spidey-sense was telling me that she would probably try to stick me with the check. She had zero table manners as well, didn't pick up one utensil and talked with her mouth full.


I excused myself, went and paid the waiter for $3 for my soda and told him she was a nut-job. I came back to the table and said to crazy woman,

"I just paid the server for my drink. This whole thing is too strange for me. Best of luck."


I left her sitting at the table with her halfway through her meal and walked right out of the restaurant. Right out the door.


Here's the email she sent me...

"hey...

thanks so much for leaving me w/ the tab...that is so moral of a loser like you to do. I could care less what u think of me because no offense...you're not someone who anyone would be swooning over...u are a total dink and leech, and asshole...who can't pay for women not because u dont want to pay for them but probably because you want to steal and take from them yourself. That is soo sad and pathetic...women need to be warned of junk like you out there..it's one thing to not pay for someone but to steal and expect ppl to pay 'your' tab...that is a whole other low....im sure you'll get plenty of dates..ciao asshole/loser"



The total beauty of this is that she probably didn't have the money to pay for her food. I hope she got a good taste of her own games.


Would a woman still want you to take her to dinner if she was paying the tab?


RHM

The games women play

The hotter you think she is, the more likely you will succumb.


Before you think I am writing another sour note about women… consider the rising tide: Oprah, Dr. Phil, Ellen, Cosmo, Glamour, and countless others paint women out to be the victims.


Before it’s a foregone conclusion that women are victims, let’s take a look at some of the games women play very well. Not all women play all the games all the time. But all women play some of the games some of the time.


These games typically involve women seeking sponsors (men) who think approval, affection, and/or fidelity can be purchased. We are in an era when a woman can be President of the United States, when women deserve equal pay for equal work, when women can ruin a man’s reputation with a mere accusation… BUT the man is supposed to be the financial sponsor. Chivalry, my ass.


Bar Drinks: Getting all dressed up in the sexy “come-do-me” clothes they wouldn’t wear to the office. Then going to a bar knowing plenty of suckers will buy their drinks. Game-player flirts with the unsuspecting sap until it’s time to go. The really brazen game-player will ask outright, “buy me a drink, please.” You douche-bags who comply continue the bad precedent.


Last weekend I was out at a happy hour and decided to dive-bomb into a closed circle of five attractive women as my buddies watched the ensuing mayhem. I advise them that no men will talk to them if they have the wagons circled. They did their best with sarcastic comments to get me to leave tail-tucked into the night; but I was steadfast in breaking down their bitch-shields. The head cutie told me I should buy them a drink. I countered that they owed me for my bravado in putting up with their poor manners. She was verbally beating me back while her friend brought me two Michelob Ultras. I like this game.


No-strings attached hookups: I want you, you want me. After the rendezvous, the game changes. “I have a few expectations…” These boil down to you becoming her boyfriend


Lunches/Dinners: The infamous bad deal for the man. Read my article or Paul Janka’s about why this is such a bad idea. It seems best to just avoid the whole dining-out routine. If the woman really likes you for you, she’ll want to cook for you, or come to your house for dinner.

Yesterday, I met a 29 year old chick for coffee. There's no Starbucks near her house (how they missed her particular corner is beyond me) so reluctantly I take her to Appleby's for coffee. We had a good hour or more of conversation. The sexual vibe is on like donkey kong.

I am running out of time because it's the middle of the day... so the date has to end soon. She asks me if we are going to eat,

Chick: "Are we going to order some food?"
RHM: "Let's go to your house and you can cook me something. Are you a good cook?"
Chick: "I am a good cook, but I don't have any food to cook you."
RHM: "What?"
Chick: "I didn't eat and we've been talking a long time, I am hungry."
RHM: "no, the plan was/is to meet for coffee."
Chick: "but when the woman is hungry, that's the polite thing to do."
RHM: "I've run out of time, I have to get back"
Chick: "That's okay, order me some takeout to go."
RHM: "Look, I am not your Daddy, it's not my job to feed you"
Chick: "If you don't have the money, just say so."
RHM: "Oh I have the money, but I am not spending it"
Chick: " Well, I assure you I can buy my own... I am going to email you my bank statement."
RHM: "I am certain you have the money to buy lunch for the entire restaurant. (I am certain she doesn't), but that doesn't change my mind"
Chick: "Well, this is a date, this is what you're supposed to do"
RHM: "No babe. This is us getting to know each other. I've bought dinner before and never heard from the chick again. If we see each other again then we can have a 'date'."

Hard-core sexy pressure as she batted those big brown eyes. She mustered every ounce of feminine wiles... but I held the line.



Shopping: is any guy really this stupid? Nah…


Weekend trips: see above and just substitute the word “getaway” for “dinner.” Every girl wants to go to Vegas, New York, the beach or a cruise for the weekend. For some guys this is their version of pay-for-play. I am guilty, I’ve done it before. Just be careful to collect your “$200” when you pass Go. On the rare occasion, you get a screaming good travel deal when you wanted to get out of town anyways; AND you think the trade of your time and money will be returned in a weekend of gratuitous sex… then go for it. As long as you’re certain this particular woman will deliver the goods.


Co-habitation: I have a friend and this is killing him. No marriage, no kids, but a world of manipulation on her part. It’s kind of funny that some women miss the “co” part of that equation. These days you have a mortgage/rent, utilities, insurances, cable, internet, maintenance and grocery bills. Crack open your checkbook honey, you probably took some dude’s job in the marketplace.


Engagement rings: the penultimate finger trophy for the never-married. A couple years ago, I was acquainted with a woman going through a divorce with less than a year into the marriage. The husband wanted the $10,000 engagement ring back…how do you think that ended? Sorry about your luck sucker. Wait to buy the fancy diamond until she’s popped out a few offspring for you. Once she’s your baby-momma, whether happily-ever-after or divorce, she will always be in your life.


Baby-daddy: “We don’t need a condom, I’m on birth control.” Be especially vigilant with baby-less women in the 30-38 range who exude a ticking sound. After women conquer the marketplace, they feel compelled to conquer motherhood. Some feel justified to attempt these juxtaposed jobs simultaneously. My sympathy if you and your siblings were raised by this type of mother. Also be watchful with women from a significantly, lower socio-economic strata than you. You may be mistaken for Mr. One-Way Ticket to a new life.


Have I covered everything?


RHM

No apology necessary

Last week, a brazilian woman told me that one big difference, between American men and men in her country, is that American men apologize too much. What? Seems like we have been trained to be too polite. Cutting in line, bumping someone in a crowd, or some perceived rudeness must be followed by remorse.

Lots of times we apologize for just being men. Being aggressive, being bold, acting wild, and being sexually charged. I believe that the word "sorry" crosses our lips far too often.

We need to reframe our minds that many times "no apology is necessary."


I am a man, therefore:

I like sex
I am competitive
I piss standing up
I fight for my loved ones
I like bikinis
I like breasts
I like women's butts
I like legs (get the picture?)
I like a challenge
I like to walk in front
I am not afraid of the dark
I like to go fast
I catch what I chase
I know when not to chase
I belch (even when no one is around)
I like getting dirty
I flirt with women
I speak my mind


RHM

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness...

An interesting thing happened in America after World War II. Women stayed in the workforce. Closets in houses grew in size and number. Garages became standard and then we needed two or three bays. One television wasn’t enough. Divorce skyrocketed. Each kid got his or her own room. Entertainment centers replaced bookshelves. Kitchens got bigger and families cooked less. Five years made a car “old.” The formal living room was replaced with the home office.


What “stuff” would you really miss, if you got rid of it?
Would you miss your car payment?
Would you miss what’s playing on the other 295 channels of satellite TV?
Would you miss half the clothes in your closet?
Would you miss the extra bedroom?
Would you miss your stressed-out wife’s demanding career?


What would you do with the extra money you would save if you simplified your life?
Where would you go? What would you do?
Would you travel more… collecting photographs, memories, and stories?
Would you invest it in your future?


Would you miss the Joneses?


Most women mistake the accumulation of possessions for financial success. Many men allow their families to be enslaved in financial bondage because they "need" the bigger house, the shiny car, and the new furniture.


Very few men are strong enough to keep it simple once they get married. It's a lot easier to maintain a simple life than it is to cut back once you've tasted the possessions.


Look back at the photo above. The best things in life are simple.




RHM

You're a man

I won't be the first in a long line of men who feel that western civilization has taken (is taking) something from men.

But I will make a confession, I (we/many of us) have allowed western culture to take away our manhood. Our masculinity. Our maleness. Our cojones. Inch by inch, we've lost precious ground to the feminism that seeks to destroy our natural roles as leaders, hunters, and protectors.


Attacking feminism directly, does little good. The good fight is personal change. Reclaim the ground you were born to hold. It's your birthright. I am talking about pursuing inner change, at the core of your identity. Learning to embrace the fact that you have testosterone coursing through your veins.

Along with many better men that have told you the same thing... I am here to say that it's okay to act like a man. Forget what your mother said, forget that teachers told you to behave, don't take the feminist party line from your wife, ex-wife, girlfriend or lover. Set your own stage. Determine on your own how you will behave or not behave.

It's up to you, and you alone. No one else is going to grab your big-boy pants from around your ankles and pull them up. Secretly, women want you to be strong. They just don't want to give back the power that you have ceded to them.


But guess what? We're taking it back, one brother at a time. Rock your world and theirs... take back your birthright. You're a man.

RHM