Finding the proper balance

When I was young, dumb, and full of you-know-what...  I was in a co-dependent relationship with a woman.  This was a direct result of not possessing the proper social skills and confidence to give me better choices with women.  Have you ever felt like you settled for less than you deserved with a woman?


I first read Stephen Covey's bestseller "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" in 1990, it had a great impact on me.  His book introduced me to the notion of inter-dependence.  I am not regurgitating his work, rather, I will give you my take on the concept.  This is extremely important when you decide to have a relationship.


Picture a continuum between co-dependency on the far left and independence on the far right.

Co-dependent <-------------------------------->Independent


Some sign of co-dependency in your relationship:

Arguments / Poor communication / Lying
Extremely jealously / suspiciousness
Physical or emotional abuse (even if subtle)
Lack of proper boundaries for the management of time and money
Extreme need for approval
Controlling behavior
Fear of losing the relationship


Have you experienced this with a woman?  Does she use her emotions to influence your decisions? Would you like to end the relationship, but you fear hurting her feelings?  Are you isolated from your closest male friends?  Have you become financially dependent on her and cannot leave?


If I struck a nerve, it's only because I have felt these pains myself.  There's no judgment here, only help.



On the other end of the spectrum; you can have total independence from any relationship with a woman.  You are relegated to random sex with a string of women.  This is dangerous for the man who lacks relationships in other areas of his life:  i.e. no close friends, no children,  or no close immediate family members. 

How many close male friends do you have?
Do you often go out alone in search of a hookup?
Have you embraced a persona that would limit your job or business opportunities?
Are there any women you would like to keep in your life?


I strongly believe that many gurus in the pick-up community fall into this category.  A guy can become one-dimensional, emotionally detached, and lonely.  Be careful from becoming "that guy."



The best balance comes in relationships with inter-dependence:

Co-dependent <------- Inter-dependence ------------->Independent




What does a inter-dependent relationship look like?


She contributes nurture, sexual relationship, hospitality, companionship.
You are both content with your current standard of living.
You share a high quality of life for your current means.
You have best male friends, she has best female friends.
You both have a career/responsibilities and hobbies of your own.
You have mutual friends that you interact with as couples.
You can safely share your thoughts, struggles, and concerns with each other.
You both meet each others sexual needs.
You support each other's career goals, hobbies, and need for personal space.


It's a tough thing if you find yourself in a co-dependent relationship.  It takes a lot of courage to face the pain of breaking up an unhealthy relationship.  In the near future, you will be glad you did.  Remain in co-dependency and you will slowly die on the inside.

Brian Tracy asks this question in his seminars,  "What is the greatest waste of time?"


A bad relationship.


If you find yourself detached from others because of your behavior in chasing women, start with reconnecting your familial relationships.  At the same time, work at developing friendships with good male friends.  That is spelled T-I-M-E.  You become like those you hang around.


Don't settle for less than your potential.


RHM

What does she brings to the table?

What a woman can bring to the table:

Nurture (physical affection, listening ear, words of encouragement)

Sexual relationship (she enjoys it, she initiates it, she seeks to please you)

Hospitality (cooking for you, has your favorite beverage, knows how to make people feel comfortable in your/her home)

Companionship (she is interested in helping you achieve your goals in life)

Child bearing (she has the desire and mental health to raise good kids)





Pay attention to the following signs… these women rarely bring anything to the table


Any three of these:

• She tells you how much she enjoys eating out

• She does not get sexual with you by the third date

• She tells you that she doesn’t cook

• She is affectionate but always asks what the next date is going to be

• She doesn’t invite you over just to hang out

• She says that she is taking an emotional risk with you

• She has predominantly couple/married friends

• She still lives with her parent(s)

• She is annoyed with children

The signs at her apartment or home:

• A little basket by the sofa filled with frayed cat toys.

• Dr. Phil's "Love Smart" on the premises

• Cat hair / cat smell on the furniture

• Overflowing shoe rack but no good liquor

• Fridge serves as more of a museum of condiments than a dispenser of nutrition. Only no one is curating it.

• Birth Control Packet with pills for Monday and Tuesday still in the case (it's Wednesday)

Now that you know what to avoid, here's what it should look like...


The home of the “single woman knows how to please a man”:

• Whole place is clean and well-kept
  

• A dog... clean and well-behaved

• Comfortable, matching furniture

• Choice of liquors and mixers

• Refrigerator stocked with real food

• Clean sheets and her bed is made

What she says:

• Do you like it when I touch you like this?

• I am cooking something you’ll love.

• Sit down, relax, let me get you a drink.

• You are a great guy.

• Hello, handsome.

• When can you come see me?

Yes, Virginia, there are still plenty of women like this and I have heard these things with my own ears…


RHM

Hey bro, what DO you want?

Worst line ever for guys, and you’d better never let it leave your lips:

Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) and Dorothy (Renee Zelwegger) watch the scene play out in the elevator between the deaf couple, he later repeats that sacrilegious line to her as his oath of love, “You complete me.” (Excuse me while I throw up.)


When I was 16 years old, all I wanted was a girlfriend. A cute one. A girlfriend that would bring some validation that I was cool enough, attractive enough, and man enough. I got one and she broke my little heart when she went away. I had ZERO clue how to attract women, all I knew how to do was chase. I repeated the same scenario when I was seventeen. I was caught in this cloud of bad thinking that having a girlfriend was some sort of proof that I was a man.


Oh, I got this girlfriend thing totally covered. Look at me, I am mature. When I was halfway through college, I thought that getting a wife would be the next benchmark of maturity. That’s the next step to adulthood – marriage. I better keep this woman - she will make a good wife. But, I had no clue about wife criteria… chalk one up to being 20 and thinking that I knew everything.


These same thoughts permeate the consciousness of most men. It comes at you at different ages and different stages. A man in his 20’s thinks, “I have to get a girlfriend.” A man in his 30’s thinks, “I have to get a wife.” But I am here to tell you that the woman is not the missing piece. She is the “helping” piece. She will have more respect for you if you are a whole person on your own.


There exists a big difference in a woman “completing” you versus a woman “helping” you achieve your personal mission in life. If she has her own agenda, she is not wifely material.


Here’s what you need to do to:

1) Read lots of books. Books on personal development. Books on self-actualization. Spiritual books. Books on financial management. Wealth-building books.

2) Talk to men who are older and wiser. Pay attention to the stories that surround your life.

3) Travel. Go other places. See the world. Taste other cultures.


Figure out who you are and what you want. It will change as you grow, but get a good idea of where you are and where you are going as a man, before you add a woman to the mix.


RHM

More than one! Are you crazy?

Our society doesn't take too kindly to a guy having more than one girlfriend.

Think of all the words that have negative connotations: player, womanizer, Casanova, Don Juan, philanderer, lady's man, wolf... just to name a few. It's much more culturally acceptable in other parts of the world. It's even in the bible. (RHM, you can't say that!) Many early jewish patriarchs had multiple wives.

Sometimes, it's problematic; but real men like challenges and the consequential rewards. I am here to look at the bright side of maintaining multiple-long-term-relationships (MLTR's)with several women. Even when you read that, some guilty thoughts enter your mind. You need to work on that.


Let's look at the upside:

1) The flaws that she has will not bother you as much because you are not tied solely to her

2) You don't act all goofy on one woman and forget your masculinity in the chase for sex

3) Variety. It's the spice of life.

4) One woman does not control you.

5) You spend a lot less money, because you no longer date to "woo." Hell, you don't even have to date. You now spend quality time with more than one lady. That's what the relationship part means: it's no longer about impressing her.


MLTRs, not popular with a whole lot of people... but a hell of a lot of fun.



RHM

Let's play house!

Here’s the latest confirmation…

So I am out last night at a social happy hour geared toward professionals at an upscale location. I strike up a conversation with a group of five women, all of whom happen to be married. It's interesting that women who have been married more than a few years seem quite eager to converse with men other than their husbands. They were all attractive, in shape, and nicely dressed.

One pretty blonde in particular, with a warm personality and cute figure, took an interest in my conversation. She was explaining with great admiration how wonderful and interesting her husband happens to be. He's funny, he dances well, and they are soooo happy.

I decided to go for the jugular and find out about this great marriage.


RHM: How many times a week do you have sex?

Her: Ummm, well, let’s see… we TRY weekly.

RHM: Once a week!

Her friend: Hey, they DO have small children.

Her: Yeah, it’s just tough sometimes. We're working on it.

RHM: This is why I only date latinas. Sometimes, once a day is not enough for them. There's no way I would ever go back a situation like yours.


Yeah, that pretty much left them speechless. How does a gringa top that?


This is an attractive, middle to upper class wife with great social skills. See how sex is just not that important to her? This is a woman who genuinely seems to think her husband is a great guy! Can you imagine if she was pissed at him?

If you are married, you already identify with what I am saying. I feel your pain. Sorry, bro. It's tough to think that you will probably become an infidelity statistic.

But, if you are a young man and think that it would be fun to “settle down” and "play house"... it's not a game.

You can’t say you weren’t warned.


RHM

Marriage: the cure for loneliness?

Do men really fear growing old and being alone? Is marriage the cure for loneliness?

I have been in a long term marriage.
I have been devout.
I have children / I am an active father.
I have gone through a divorce.
I have made lots of money (and lost lots of money).
I've spent money on houses, cars, vacations.

I have been ______ (aren't many left except gay, leaving that for someone else)...


Here's what I found: ________ will not fulfill you. Pick one, any one.


Being lonely is just a sign of not knowing what you want in life. Marriage does not solve the loneliness problem. Plenty of successful, strong men are trapped in lonely marriages with the wrong woman or with the right woman who changed over the years.


This next point is critical:

Once married, you cede partial control of YOUR life over to a woman who gains legal/financial privileges and immense emotional leverage in your life. You had better be a strong man. I have met very few men strong enough to make it work with the typical American raised woman.


Go back and re-read that last point.



Who can guarantee that she will stay the sweet, caring woman that wanted to live happily-ever-after with you? Who can? That's right... no one can make that guarantee. And you don't get your time or money back.


I think the wisest thing I've heard about divorce came from a christian pastor who said this (referring to a well-used scriptural reference): "You know why God hates divorce? Because it hurts us so bad." Most people who have gone through a divorce agree.


Marry only if you want children. Raising children is an intense, financially demanding, physically/emotionally exhausting, and time (hours AND years) consuming commitment. It takes a strong man to do a good job. It takes the right woman to do a good job. If you get divorced, she thinks the kids are hers except when it comes to financial matters, then they are "our" kids.

If you do a good job with your kids, your chances of being old and alone are greatly reduced. You will probably be surrounded by family and grandchildren.


Do not get married until you have traveled extensively outside the United States. It will open your eyes and give you a better perspective. If you've never seen with your own eyes how women treat American men in other countries, you have no clue.















If you want to marry and have kids, find a beautiful latin american or asian woman (who grew to adulthood in her home country) with strong family values and relationships.


RHM